This is a reprint of a weekly newspaper column from the Independent Voice in Dixon, Ca.

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 “As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.”

 

 

   Misc. Local Eating Tips

            The food scene is getting better. We went to Bud’s Pub Bar Restaurant Grill and Eating Place (whatever) over the weekend for breakfast and Linda, Trey and I really enjoyed it. You all know about A Street Deli’s food and we have Bud’s (less than a block apart) both with good breakfastesses (or whatever the plural is for more than one breakfast).
          Add to that list the local American Legion’s Friday night fish feast and you have some good eats. The Legion’s dinner cost $12.50 for all you can eat deep fried fish, cold slaw, hush puppies and fries. Soft drinks are a buck extra and I think tap beer is like $2. For current or retired military, VFW, or Legion members it is only $10. It’s held at the Legion/Vet’s Hall on N. First Street every Friday from 5 to 8 pm and you can get take out. As word gets out more and more fish lovers are showing up.
           While in Vacaville the other day we stopped in at the Umi Sushi place right next to the Brendan Theatre complex. We had some really good stuff, different from Mad Fish. The quality and quantity were both good…add this to El Pollo Loco and now there are two good places to pig out while in Vacaville. We pay our own way, unannounced, at all of these places and just pass on what we think is good…or bad.

   WTF? In All Of My Travels…

           You know in all of my travels from Minnesota to Oklahoma, to Florida, to Canada, to cruise ships, to even Australia, New Zealand and even Hong Kong, China and Taiwan…etc. People marvel at either me (or us) being from California.
           Recently on a cruise ship to the Panama Canal we met a lot of people from the mid-west who were curious about “Arnold,” Gavin Newsome (mayor of SF), Pelosi (the biggest curiosity), Feinstein, Boxer and people like Karen Bass, the speaker of the state assembly. The main questions were “How do people like that get elected?” Followed by, “Do they really have the support of the people?” I’m glad we’re not going back to the mid-west or someplace like Oklahoma or Texas for a while now that our Assembly Speaker black, female, radical liberal democrat Bass is going to run for congress…That’s not the problem. Her replacement is the first openly gay Democratic lawmaker/leader named John Perez who was selected to replace her…I simply, even with my ability with words, would not have the answers to any of the questions people might have about this. It will however, make it even harder for me to dispel the notion, world wide, that California is indeed the land of fruits and nuts.

   Shocking Story Of Sacramento’s Finest

           A successful California politician died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep his political machine alive, but knew very little about politics, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a political expert. Two political guys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, John, figuring it would be safer to have him around than the drunk.
   He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about politics. For weeks the two of them worked and lived out of her big home, and the political machine was doing very well. Then one day, the politician’s widow said to the up and coming politician, “You have done a really good job John, and the campaigns look great. You should go to downtown Sacramento and kick up your heels.” The political guy readily agreed and went on the town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and still no politician.
   Finally he returned around 2:30, and upon entering the room, he found the politician’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her…”Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. “Now take off my bra…” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes out on the town again, you’re fired.”
 (P.S. – I didn’t see it coming, either).

   The Olympic Gift To Americans

           Wow…glad the Olympics are over. We were a slave to them while they monopolized TV. It was like friends or relatives coming to visit for a couple of weeks. You were glad to see them come and also glad to see them go…if you know what I mean…but I heard the German Chancellor gave its country’s Olympic Downhill ski medal to President Obama and said, “You are even more qualified for this than the Nobel Prize… for going downhill faster than our guy.”

   Sticking It To Us

                After the Germans on the get even scale, only the American Indians stuck it to us even more than the Japanese. They gave us tobacco and under their breaths laughed and said, “Take away our land and we give you this addictive gift to rot your lungs and degrade your society.” And then if that wasn’t bad enough they now take in more money than Toyota with their casinos. Now you can go to their places of higher losing, rot your lungs and lose your welfare, SSI and disability check all in one fell swoop…
 

          But the emerging leader in the “Get even with the Americans” has to be Toyota. The Japanese never got over getting their butts kicked for their cowardly Pearl Harbor attack and the atrocities they committed during WWII…They’ve just been laying back and taking billions of our dollars for their superior products built with our know how and resources…all the time with a master plan. They said to themselves…”Let’s get America to buy the best selling car line of all time and build in death devices. Then let’s lie about it and talk about honor… (Dumb round eyes will buy it…they’ll buy anything foreign).” Then Akai ToyoDa (really hid his real last name huh?) apologizes and tells our US congress how “sorry” he and his nation are for killing our people with their defective cars while word leaks out they knew about the flaws the whole time but covered it up to maximize profits…Paybacks are a bitch and its seems like more and more we are on the losing end…We need to do something about this trend. Go on line and read “The World without the USA,” as Roxie Sanders said, “Everyone needs to read this.”

   Former Mayor Passes

           A small note read Richard Brians 67, died Feb. 6, 20101 who was once mayor of Dixon. He was a quite unassuming man who served both on the council and as mayor with dignity and was the son-in-law of (Pearl Harbor survivor) Frank and (Citizen of the Year) Kay Green. His passing was noticed by the current city council with a moment of silence…I can’t find anything that shows they sent anything or anyone to the funeral or they even lowered the flags to half mast for a week which has been the tradition since Councilman Joe Osterman died. Its not like we have that many former elected officials dying that current council can’t have enough respect for the office to honor those who once sat in their seats. I guess they at least ordered someone to send some flowers…somewhere.

   Council Listened …A Little

           At least the council listened and approved my recommendation for the appointment to the abandoned city treasurer’s post. Like the vast majority of the voters I was opposed to them appointing a person to the elected position instead of having it on the next soonest ballot…But if they were going to do it at least they picked the guy I asked them to consider. The only problem is the guy gambles with people’s money everyday…that what he does for a living.
          Only a few people know I was within a couple of weeks a few years ago of opening a big name office in Dixon. I passed the tests, had my application for the SEC an Insurance License approved and ready to go. This was just before the wall street/economy melt down. They wanted me to tap in to all of the “old money” in Dixon figuring people would listen to me and invest where the company and I would suggest. Just before completing the deal I asked the regional manager what happens if we tell these folks, who trust me, to invest their life savings in XYZ and something happens and they lose everything. He said although unlikely it was just the risk they and we would have to take. For whatever reason, mainly a gut feeling, I decided to not do it…in retrospect a wise move Karma wise.
           Anyway our new city treasurer will be under the gun for conflict of interest with both the city’s money and who he does business with, who does business with him and why…not necessarily a good thing huh?
           Speaking of city matters…the rats are leaving? Like rats leaving a sinking ship two or the city’s man leaders, the city treasurer and a planning commissioner (and former city councilman) quit this past month…Both had good reasons.

           The council didn’t listen or even respond to my email expressing not only my concern but that of many in the community of an appointed city official libeling and slandering a local small businessman. He tried to kill the messenger because he didn’t like the message, and signing a printed press piece as a Dixon “Planning Commissioner.” I emailed the mayor, vice mayor, councilman Besneatte and Ceremello and asked what, if anything, the council planned to do about this embarrassment. The only reply I got was from Ceremello saying, “You don’t really expect to hear back from them do you?” Yes I did councilman…sad to say I heard nothing else, which I guess puts a seal of approval on his unethical behavior. I understand Ceremello even asked for it to be council agenda item which was also ignored.
           So Jon Stalnaker, former postmaster, looks like you are now free to slander whomever you wish, attempt censorship at will and then make sure you are libelous and sign your name not only as a Dixon Planning Commissioner but as a city paid bus driver too! Looks like Herr StalMaker has won the battle. I heard a rumor he will be teaching a class on peeping at people’s mail to make sure what they write is ok with him and book burning 101 at night school. I also heard the FPPC has been asked to look into the matter.   #

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(This column is a reprint as published in the Independent Voice Newspaper in Dixon, Callifornia on Feb. 25th, 2010) 

“Scholl doesn’t necessarily agree with a lot of the things he prints in this paper but will go to his grave defending the constitutional right of free speech.”

 Something Still Fishy At the Legion

           I only told a select few of you last week about the new American Legion Friday night fish fry at the new American Legion/Vet’s Hall on North First Street, by Napa Auto Parts. I forgot to mention you can get take out by calling 678-6308. I also forgot to mention it will be held every Friday night from 5 to 8 pm until further notice. Those who did read about it and came by, to a person, really enjoyed “all you can eat” deep fried fish, hush puppies, cold slaw and fries for $12.50.
          The cost for members of the Legion VFW, current or retired military is only $10. Its really good stuff but don’t tell anyone else because it will become too crowded. They have a full bar and pool tables along with a complete yuppie coffee bar.
          I will hold my weekly public office hours there at about 6:30 but don’t bother me if I’m eating because I bite. Why do I hold weekly office hours there? Beats the carp (remember the publisher won’t let me use the word crap) out of me…I guess just because everyone else is doing it.

Has StalMaker Resigned Yet?

 Commission Planning For What?

               The city has a planning commission with the likes of whiney former Dixon Postmaster Jon Stalnaker, (better know as the Stall Maker) reportedly a bully while at the post office and now speaking as a city official. He has publically libeled and slandered a local businessman.
           Not only did Stalmaker vote down IV Publisher’s sign to help him out of his current location, but he then voted for a sign for Ace Hardware, allowed huge red signs to be erected in the middle of downtown and then turned his head to an illegal puppy mill locating right in the downtown area with out so much as a whimper.
           This guy and the majority of the increasingly useless commission recently spent a lot of time talking about (and then approving) a proposed senior citizen development to be built in the wrong place for the wrong reason (to meet a low income housing quota).     

          They approved a three story (old folks love climbing and falling down stairs) complex to be built way outside the main city in front of the high school no less. They spent a lot of time nit picking on unimportant stuff and ignored “design review” little things like: Are the elevators and stairs wide enough to handle two or three emergency workers, a stretcher and emergency equipment? Or how about: What happens if there is a fire and the elevators are down and the stairs are blocked? They are setting up a little “seizure town” complex and writing off old people as expendable just to meet a profiled quota set by the state…nice huh? How about fire and ambulance access? Stalnaker was only worried about Red-Ride turn around space…which is who he works for. Facts are facts.

          Back to bully Stalmaker. He wrote a letter to the Vacaville newspaper, signed as a Dixon planning commissioner, (not an individual) which was libelous, and could cost the taxpayers money in a lawsuit. He has also slandered the publisher of this paper. Steelmaker, who is also (get this) a paid city employee, chose to do this for no good reason other than meanness and trying to kick a guy while he is down.

          The guy is Dave Scholl, a local small businessman, a veteran, a religious education class teacher, member of the American Legion, cancer survivor, on the Lambtown committee, Knights of Columbus officer, puts on and promotes the “Mother of the Year” contest…etc.
          Publisher Scholl doesn’t necessarily agree with a lot of the things he prints in this paper but will go to his grave defending our constitutional right of free speech (hell, I don’t even agree with some of the stuff Mike writes but I’ll defend his right to write and your right to write or complain about it)…and for that Herr Stalmaker shows contempt and like others within city government would have Dave and this paper censored to print only what they deem acceptable…Sound like anyone you know from WWII?.
          Funny thing though…Dave has a standing offer to freely print what ever messages they want to convey.
          Has Herr Stalnaker resigned yet? Yeah right. Has the council, who appointed this guy, too, fired him…yeah right again. Has the council even taken him to task for speaking out as a government employee and appointed commissioner instead of a private citizen? How long are you, the voters, going to put up with this kind of anti-democracy, one sided, take your vote away from you, form of government?
          We should all be grateful this community has an Independent Voice as a citizen watchdog and to keep the public informed about questionable governmental doings.

Of Course, A Blonde Joke

          A local Dixon blonde calls her boyfriend Jon and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”  Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says,” According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
           Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
          “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cold drink, and then,” he said, with a deep sigh…”Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

OK Enough Fooling Around Let’s Offend Everybody!

Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A.  Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q.  Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A.  A different bar.
Q.  What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A.  Sum Ting Wong.
Q.  What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A.  A speech impediment.
Q.  Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A.  Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
Q.  Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A.  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q.  What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A.  The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A.  Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, ‘BINGO!’
Q.  What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins Once upon a time…’
     A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.’
Q.  Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.  Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

Best Prayer I Have Heard In A Long Time…

 
          Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
          Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can’t make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his
apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
          Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
          Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together .
 
          Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those that are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love. Working for God on earth doesn’t pay much …but His retirement plan is out of this world!

How To Eliminate The TSA

          Now this is the kind of out-of-the-box thinking we need.  Perhaps we should consider an automatic oven cleaning mode to remove the occasional mess and thereby eliminate the need for TSA all together. Here’s a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.  Have a closed booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.  It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long expensive trial.  Justice would be quick and swift!  And it would get those lines moving again at the airport!

Don’t Use Cruise Control

 
          I wonder how many people know about this. A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and totaled her car. A resident of Kilgore, Texas she was traveling between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence! When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her something that every driver should know – NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON. She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.
         But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on when your car begins to hydro-plane and your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed making you take off like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred. The patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the driver’s seat sun-visor - NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed – but we don’t tell them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry.    #

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“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don’t Matter, and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind.” – Dr. Seuss -

 

 

 

Ted: Here’s a picture of the new world record whitetail. It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker’s sister’s, uncle’s, best friend’s, son-in-law’s cousin. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in Minong , WI on a really windy day on public land. Supposedly, this deer had killed a 600 pound bear, two Chevy Suburban’s and six Jehovah’s Witnesses in the last two weeks alone. They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. Nice huh?

 

 

Something Fishy At New Vet’s Hall

           Remember the good old days when you used to be able to go over to the PROD (People’s Republic of Davis) to the London Fish and Chips place and get a REAL good fish dinner? Those days are back but the good fish dinner is right here in town every Friday night from 5 to 8 pm. at the American Legion fish fry at the Post 208 Vet’s Hall on North First Street right next door to Napa Auto Parts. It’s and “all you can eat” feast of flash frozen Pollock, cold slaw, hush puppies and fries for $12.50. If you are a Legion or VFW member or currently serving in the military it is only $10…a heck of a deal for a really good meal. While you are there you can use the fastest Wi-Fi in the area free, have a drink, play pool or just eat fish till you can’t eat any more…see you there Friday…Unless the planning commission wants to find something wrong with a building servicing our current and former service people…including Dave Scholl.
           What’s not fishy is the big honor the new Vet’s Hall will receive on Sunday, March 28 when the American Legion National Commander, Clarence Hill, will visit Post 208 for  a luncheon, according to State Commander Dennis Fercho…Interesting what a new building can do for a little city huh?

Where Do I Start?

           I guess first things first. Let’s get rid of the political stuff. I’ve rushed my membership application to the Dixon Rotary Club so I can become a member before the Dixon City Rotary Club Council has its meeting and picks  (instead of letting you vote) a new city treasurer for the next couple of years. I ran for the position when no one else would and then the current city treasurer, who just quit, was forced to run against me by his wife who hates me because of what I know…not about being city treasurer I might add. So I came in second to a guy who was really qualified to hold the position by education and work experience. All I had was 12 years experience on the council and a desire to get the city’s monies back into the First Northern Bank (with everything being equal) where our (taxpayers) funds belong. Will I get appointed to the position if no one else applies and if my application is accepted by the Rotary Club? What do you think? I backed the vice mayor and two of the councilmen for election and didn’t back my friend the mayor only because the publisher of the paper was running against him…speaking of the publisher of the paper…

           Politics being what they are it is still amazing the council appointed a career low level bureaucrat to the planning commission who decided to speak out publically, as a city official, against the IV publisher Dave Scholl. I asked Dave to let Jon Stalmaker (great name for a Dixon planner huh?) take his lumps when he was postmaster and refused to ask his superiors to upgrade or close (and build a new one) the dump we have for a post office.  “Jon” decided it was in his best interest to cower and take his retirement. Dave was concerned he would hold up the mailing of the paper because “Jon” was such a vindictive person. Now, as a “city leader” he votes against a sign for Dave’s business, but approved a sign for Ace Hardware and allows the beautiful huge red and white banners signs to be displayed downtown just a couple of blocks where he and the rest of the bureaucrats allowed an illegal puppy mill to flourish…Go figure. Now this week, he and the commission minus two members, voted 5-0 to approve a 60 unit “senior low income housing project” (apartments) as far away from downtown and other shopping areas as possible. Why? Because Dixon needs to build some somewhere to meet its “affordable housing requirements set by the state.”              

          Where’s the money coming from you ask? We are paying for a chunk of it with taxpayer’s dollars from state and federal government funds and from our “redevelopment” (you notice I didn’t say “development) funds. I’ve pushed for year to use our redevelopment funds for the reason they are intended…take out a blighted area near downtown and REDEVELOPE it in to affordable senior housing so seniors could walk to get some of the things they need, feel safer and benefit the downtown area at the same time…Na, they say lets build it in front of the high school on a busy state highway where you can’t walk to anything except maybe the busy fairgrounds…see why they don’t want me involved in local government?
         

           Even this isn’t my problem with Stalmaker. My problem is: it wasn’t bad enough for him to mistreat Dave and his religious and hobby businesses but the guy then speaks out as a city leader in a letter to the editor in the Vacaville Reporter signed as a “Planning Commissioner” against a small private businessman, veteran, and cancer survivor. He said things like Dave “Has finally lost retouch with reality.” Then accused him of telling a “half truth” lying in other words, and said Dave “showed no willing to compromise” and that “It’s sad he uses his newspaper in such an irresponsible manner.” (talk about the pot calling the kettle black) He said “I wanted to laugh” but “it was way too pathetic to be humorous.” Who and what is “pathetic”…ask the people who used to work under this overbearing clown.
           If this jerk, who is also a part-time paid city employee if you can believe that, isn’t taken off the planning commission and replaced with a responsible, knowledgeable community member he will continue to be a disgrace to this city. And it will be another black mark against a council that has twice taken away the public’s right to elect, whom they choose, for both a council seat and now city treasurer.
      Now Jon, you whinny bureaucrat, lay off Dave you’ve hurt him enough, but come on and say what you will about me…If you have the balls…the gloves are off and I’d like to expose you for what you are… I’d also like to have a battle of wits with you but it wouldn’t be fair since you would only be half armed… and your bulb is dim too…that makes you a half-dim wit I guess to kick a man while he is down and using you city title to do it…I won’t take your lying, bullying crap.
          And to think Dave protected you from me going to the postmaster general with complaints I had received about you and “your” post office…this, religious man, a veteran, cancer survivor, small independent businessman is the guy you slandered. Hope you and the city are proud of your actions.

A Blonde on the Phone…

“Hi Mom, How are you?”
“Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware.”
“Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they’ve let me make one phone call.”
“What happened?”
“Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head.”
“What on earth—why did you do that?”
“Well it wasn’t my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker.”

Please Don’t Butcher Your Tree

           Have you seen trees around town people have butchered, mainly Fruitless Mulberries. They cut off each limb down to an ugly stump. I called over to the PROD (People’s Republic of Davis) University and talked to a tree guy and asked him why people do that. He said it’s a case of “Monkey see, monkey do.” And I again asked why, and he said there was one main reason, “People are friggin stupid.” He said it doesn’t take an Einstein to see how hard a “pollarded” (English lesson of the day: pollard; a noun that means to cut branches on a tree extensively or an animal that has shed its horns or antlers or had them removed) tree must work to grow the branches back each time this happens and how much it shortens the tree’s life… “Besides being ugly,” he added.

          So don’t do it, and take down your damned Christmas tree lights instead, before a planning commissioner drives by in a Redi-Ride bus comes to your house and calls you names.

I Get Letters, er, Emails

 
           I get between 20 and 40 emails a day (the one at the top of the page is an example) and about 20 hits every day on my web site from all over the world. This column appears on line each week on both a web page and two different blogs and I rarely get negative input…but here’s the latest comment and my answer to her. I do answer all of my mail.

          (This was in response to the joke where the woman’s drunken husband quit beating her up when, on a doctor’s advice about gargling tea, she kept her mouth shut).
               ‘I had to comment on a joke you printed in the Feb. 12 issue of your paper. It was titled Male Doctor of Course. It was a very bad joke no matter how it was titled. You are condoning women being the cause of their abuse. Think before you type… ‘Lesley F.
           My reply: Thank you for your opinion. Jokes are relative in the way they are accepted. Many thought it was funny and those that know me know I don’t personally think that way….BTY some women, I believe, like some men, can be the cause of their abuse. Again thanks for taking the time to write and hopefully you will find more things in the future that make you smile rather than frown…Ted

Moan…You Can’t Read This
And Stay In A Bad Mood!

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit?…unique up on it.
2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?…tame way.
3. How do crazy people go through the forest?…they take the psychopath
4. How do you get holy water?…you boil the hell out of it
5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?…dam!
6. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?…Polaroids
7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?…a stick
8. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?…nacho cheese.
9. What do you call Santa’s helpers?…subordinate clauses.
10. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?…quatro cinco.
11. What do you get from a pampered cow?…spoiled milk.
12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?…frostbite.
13. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?…a nervous wreck.
14. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?…anyone can roast beef.
15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?…right where you left him.
16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?…because they have big fingers.
17. Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?…because it scares the dog.
18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?…Sanka.
19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?…the location of the dirt bag.
20. Why did pilgrims’ pants always fall down?…because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.
21. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?…a bad golfer goes, whack, dang!…a bad skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?…Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer.

 #

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Panama Ted 2010

“Liberal Logic: Religious zealot terrorists have rights,

religious Americans don’t.”

Local Misc Stuff…

          Councilman Mike Ceremello, my first wife Linda and I meet at Asian Gardens about once a week for lunch. There are two sisters there Cam and Van (neither one probably spelled right). Van, who has a Face book thingy listed under VANna White, is the one with dimples.    

           Chinese New Year is coming up this weekend so if y ou are going in there and want to let them know you appreciate their service slip them a Red envelope with some money in it…it’s a Chinese thing. It is supposed to bring good luck to you and them, definitely them. We are having a contest to guess their ages…the winner wins a free lunch with Linda, Mike and me. The only problem is we have with this contest is who is going to find out and then verify their ages? VANna claims she is 25…and has a 16 year-old-daughter.
 

          The Chamber of Commerce bragged about its annual dinner being a “sell out”. Tiffany Wing, the Chamber’s head whatever, is finally learning some marketing savvy. They switched their annual do to a smaller building, spread out the tables and had a few hundred folks in attendance…that’s a sellout?

Garrett Pryor, 10, winner of a lifetime hunting license

          The Dixon Game Club did have a real sellout last Saturday night in the big Madden Hall (where the Chamber used to hold their dinner/dance) with over 600 people in attendance…It was just a few years ago the Dixon Chamber used to fill that building…but I guess a “sellout” is a relative term huh? If you’ve never been to this gathering (the shrimp/crab feed) put it on your calendar for next year…Its like old home week. Everybody from the mayor to…well, everyone was there. Every time our eldest son Trey went to get drinks for us and it took him 15 minutes just stopping talking to people he hadn’t seen in a while. The Dixon Game (and Conservation) Club has relatively few members for the amount of work they do and the club has been around since the 1947. The DGCC gives hunter safety classes, sponsors the annual youth pheasant hunt and works on area outdoor and conservation projects. The President of the Club, John Kett, said, “The turnout Saturday night was outstanding with over 600 people showing up. The highlight of the evening was when I was able to present 10 year-old Garrett Pryor, of Dixon, with a California DFG Lifetime Hunting license he won (see photo)  which was bought by the club.” John’s sister-n-law, Courtney Kett, who was selected as Dixon’s Citizen of the Year last week was tending bar. Joe Gates, the auctioneer at the Dixon May Fair was the MC.
          I only recognized maybe a quarter of the crowd…There was a lot of people and NO ONE left hungry. It was all of the shrimp and crab you could eat for $35. The club gave the high school band $1,000 for serving the huge crowd. The band earned that money plus extra cash from the tips they received from those in attendance for all of their work.That
          The next meeting of the club will be March 9, at 6:30 pm at their little building behind the post office. The membership is only $10 a year and you can get one, and support these efforts, by mailing a check made out to the Dixon Game Club at 250 West Mayes St, Dixon, Ca. and they’ll send you back a membership card. You can also call 678-9155. No one will probably answer since it’s an all volunteer organization but leave a message and someone will get back to you. Our sons, Trey and Joel, and I are joining and you should too. For the price of a fast food meal you can help support everything from wildlife habitat improvement, to hunter safety, and other planned habitat enhancement projects beneficial to the area’s environment and wildlife. 

          Surprise, surprise! The Vacaville Reporter came out with a supporting editorial saying it, the repeal of the “don’t ask don’t tell” military policy, was long over due and “welcome.” Anyone that knows anything about the make up of the Reporter now days know old man Rico (the publisher who made the paper what it once was) must be rolling over in his grave. Our joint chiefs of staff sat on their hands when their president recently said he was going to do this but must now follow the dictates of a non-military “commander-in-chief. A commander who has absolutely no support from the majority of those serving in the armed forces…except for gay military community. You just have to ask your self, “What’s next?”                

          When I was in boot camp they had you sleep with your boots laced over the head of your bed with instructions to “boot” anyone who came close to you in the night. You didn’t have to “ask” back then and certainly no one would tell…on themselves. Does the government now think there will be a ground swell of enlistments and start issuing rainbow colored ribbons on uniforms to show you served with gay pride, and instead of purple hearts they will give pink frilly ones for scratches? Serve as a man or woman who wants to help our country and leave your sexual preferences in the closet where it belongs, gay, straight, crooked or other wise. You start peeking around in the shower they still have bars of soap and pillow cases with your name on it…and when that happens nobody will ask or tell…some things don’t change. Most of the time no one really has to “ask” and most service people can “tell” without being informed.
           Oh yeah, I almost forgot the Reporter’s champion State Sen. Lois Wolk D-Solano was caught for taking a bribe (its listed as a “gift”) in 2008 and had to pay a FPPC fine along with about 30 other lawmakers… She “forgot” to list hotel stays paid for by, what else, groups like the Consumer Attorneys of California….No big headlines seen on that one.

“Did You Find Jesus?”

       An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He  proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently  bumps into the preacher…The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by  the smell of  alcohol, whereupon he asks  the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’ The drunk shouts, ‘Yes, oi am.’ So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
          ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’ The drunk replies, ‘No, oi haven’t found Jesus.’ The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus me brother?’ The drunk again answers, ‘No, oi I haven’t found Jesus.’ By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, ‘For the love of God have you found Jesus?’
          (Are you ready for this?) The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

Inner Peace: This is so true

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, 
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
            Then you are probably the family dog! 

Male Doctor Of Course!

            A local Dixon woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. Doctor: “What happened?” Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.” Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!”  Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?”

Ingredients in Viagra

What’s really in Viagra I knew it…… I just knew it! I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

Another Ted Speaks His Mind

         Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist The discussion came around to deer hunting.
          The journalist asked, ‘What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother? Nugent replied, “Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is what I am going to eat next, who I am going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.”  That ended the interview.

Taking A Woman To Bed

          What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

At 8…You take her to bed and tell her a story
At 18…You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28…You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed
At 38…She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48…She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
At 58…You stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68…If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story
At 78…What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

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“History does not long entrust the care of

freedom to the weak or the timid.” - 

Dwight D. Eisenhower

 

Bobblehead To Squabble heads

                                                                                                                                               

                                 
                                                
                                                                   

Ruth Asmundson                                
Davis Mayor                                               Sue Greenwal
                                                                  

                   OK, for those of you who don’t know what’s going on, the top pictures represent actions of the number two and three ruling forces in our country, behind your president, as seen in last week’s state of the nation address. She, Nancy dearest, sat there looking like either the Joker or like a San Francisco’s wax figure museum piece afraid to show much emotion because her face would crack and he looked like he was on crack with his head bobbing continually taking attention away from the president. Did you notice how the joint chiefs applauded when he talked about taking care of returning vets and sat on their hands when he promised to let gay people serve openly in the armed forces? The president was trying to persuade the country that his version of reality is one we should all accept…How’s that working for you?

         The next two pictures are of those Davis folks… Last Tuesday night at the PROD (People’s Republic of Davis)  City Council meeting the almost English speaking Mayor Assmusen (whatever, who by the way speaks English almost as well as the U.C. Davis Chancellor) got into another hissy fit with Councilwoman Greenwal (who looks lilke a half a hag to deal with) over something that happened in a closed session. Words like “lies” and other mean things were said and the mayor had to be taken away to the hospital ER by ambulance for what was later found out to be “stress.” This was her fourth such time seeking help for attacks from the stress of public office. One of them commented, and rightly so, “Some people just are just not meant to hold public office.”  The “fight” made all of the local television stations and the next day the mayor said something along the lines of “You know she (Greenwal) may have been right.” Duh! PROD, shortened meetings…and an antiwar- war zone…who knew?

          OK, so in response to that the Dixon Mayor, (Batchelor, on the left, who really is married BTY) who has had a bypass operation since in office, and the guy who helped him along that path are teaming up to hold a joint seminar for elected officials. My old buddy Jack will teach how to cope with constant aggravation and will invite the PROD Mayor Assmussen in as a guest speaker on how not to cope and how not to drop out gracefully and end meetings quickly.
          My new buddy Ceremello (pictured on the right where he belongs)on the other hand will teach agitators more refined ways of getting to the head of each group using Roberts Rules of Order, the laws and codes of local government and outside legal advice. When I asked the mayor about this being true Saturday night at the Chamber dinner he just grinned…When I asked Mike he said, ‘WTF, Print whatever you want, you do that anyway. You always take Jack’s side…what have you got against me? Where’d you hear about this? Who leaked it to the press? Did you find out how much we are going to charge? Has anyone checked with the FPPC to see if this is even legal? We didn’t discuss this in closed session…Wait a minute I have some questions for you…” Mike didn’t actually say any of this but I bet he was thinking it…My chest is starting to hurt and I feel faint. And people wonder why I don’t run for the city council again…12 years on it was enough!

Speaking Of City Government

           The City of Dixon is getting something like a mil and a half  ($1,400,000) in grant monies to build low income housing that no one else in the county apparently wants. The planning commission in its wisdom, along with the council certainly won’t let a low income and senior housing project to be co-joined will they?  Who knows? They let a driving school put up two big ugly signs in downtown which I guess is their idea of good taste. A lot of folks are starting to think all of their taste is in their mouths and they are sitting on their brains. Allow this sign, don’t allow this sign, allow big ugly signs in your downtown, help other folks go out of business, keep others from starting business…between the city and the chamber of commerce they are becoming very effective at what they do best.
           ANYWAY…The “low income” project over in the Ty-Del Development I hear will be called the Moonlight Ranch and will offer special discounts to all former Nevada Residents who used to work at a place with the same name. Next I heard we will have the Bunny Ranch built over by Conejo Park if the Moonlight Ranch is profitable. Contrary to rumors the apartments will have keys and addresses and not keys with crib numbers. If this happens, the old places just east and west of town on A Street can re-open as the Chicken Ranches….a lot of the coops are still there.
          When I helped do the research for Dixon’s Centennial booklet I co-wrote we found way back when Dixon had more houses of ill repute and bars than churches…ah for the good old days huh?

Sensitive Pope

          The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, “Tutti Homini” – Blessed be Mankind. A women’s rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
          The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, “Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini” – Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, “Sure”. The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, “Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti.”

A Blonde’s Year in Review

 January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…Helllloooo…bottles won’t fit in printer!
March: Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…box said  ‘ 2-4 years!’
April: Trapped on escalator for hours… power went out!
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid…wrong instructions…8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!
June: Tried to go water skiing…couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition….learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped because soft-top was open.
September: The capital of California is ‘C’…isn’t it?
October: Hate M & M’s…they are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh108!
December: Couldn’t call 911. ‘Duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!

Misc Local Area Stuff

     Congrats to Citizen of the Year, Courtney Kett, (right) Bud and Cherie Fanning, of Bud’s Pub (left) as Business People of the Year, Mike Hagerman as the Veteran Of the Year, Ann Marie Malloy for the Chamber’s Service Award and Lynn Bobbitt for Ambassador of the Year. All of these awards were presented last Saturday night at the chamber’s dinner. Both the chamber dinner and St. Peter’s crab feed held on the same night showed a noticeable drop in attendance…all the more reason not to schedule two events like this on the same night…DUH!

          Heard a lot of complaints lately about barking dogs, lazy assed people not returning carts to the proper place after shopping, kids throwing gum on the ground, the rain, the lack of rain, the cold, and the new Vet’s Hall as a meeting place. Plus the Dixon Game Club’s prawn and crab feed this Saturday and a Vacaville kid playing in the Super Bowl Sunday.

            Probably the biggest news is about Sherene Chandler’s “little boy” Kyle DeVan, 24, (that’s how she introduced him to us a few years ago anyway) number 66 playing on the Indianapolis Colts line Sunday protecting Peyton Manning’s butt from the right guard position. DeVan attended Vaca High and graduated in 2002 and at 6 foot 2, 305 pounds was a heavy weight wrestler and, of course, a football star. I worked with Sherene at her real estate company for several years when I was with Frontier Title. She and her husband Scott Parsons are great people and big fans of the Colts. She satirically introduced Linda and me to him at a crab feed as “my little boy”. Good luck to him and the Colts!

 
Giving Up Wine

          (From Barbara, Thanks)…I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out $10 dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’ ‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me. ‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked. ‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive. ”Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked. ‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’
          ‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’ The homeless woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’ I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’                 

Bush Declares War

President Bush decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, ‘Isn’t that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?’ The bartender says, ‘Yep, that’s him.’ So the guy walks over and says, ‘Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?’ Bush says, ‘ I’m planning WW III.’ The guy says, ‘Really? What’s going to happen?’ Bush says, ‘Well, I’m going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs. The guy exclaimed, ‘A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?’
          Bush turns to the bartender and says, ‘See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the140 million Muslims’.

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Princess Cruise Ships Look
Like God’s Waiting Room

By Ted Hickman, IV Outdoor Editor

(Reprinted from the Independent Voice Newspaper in Dixon, Ca.)

          Just a little over a week ago we were in Jamaica, then in Florida and back to Dixon. What a change ma~n. Linda liked Jamaican mainly because of the accents the locals lay on…and the country is beautiful….but so is Panama,  Costa Rica, Acapulco, Etc.
          Let me back up here for a moment. Over nine months ago Allison Rodick at AAA in Vacaville called and said, “You guys wanted to go to the Panama Canal didn’t you?” She had booked all of our other cruises and knew we weren’t really looking for another but she said we couldn’t “pass this one up.” She said she had one mini suite with a balcony for a 10 day trip at about half price…granted it was at the back of the boat but in these calm waters what difference would it make right?  Well…we missed two of the ports because it was so rough the ship couldn’t dock. We plowed through one storm with swells over 20 feet and winds of 70+ MPH. No big thing to us but many land lubbers from the Midwest got more than a little green. It really only affected walking, bathing, eating and sleeping. We were on deck 9 and you can see how the sea was as Linda is taking a picture of it from our room (PHOTO AT THE TOP).
       It didn’t stop my first wife Linda and me from climbing a 600 foot waterfall; up the falls itself, then walking down a couple of hundred steps to the beach to retrieve our stuff and then back up the steps to the bus. I’m getting to old for this kind of stuff. We were the oldest by about 20 years taking the “up the falls” route instead of the steps and driving a mini zodiac in 10 foot swells. (See photo to the left). Doing the zip line through the top of the jungle in Costa Rica was interesting to say the least…all nine tree-to-tree spooky zips, up to 150 feet above ground, were scary. Then we crossed the largest man made high elevation lake in the world in a rickety old boat to a village in Guatemala and spent time walking around in places in countries where we probably shouldn’t have. Plus we walked down to watch the cliff divers in Acapulco…All of the places were different but the same if you know what I mean. All green, trees, beautiful blue water and active volcanoes.
          The interesting thing is that if no one told you where you were or you didn’t see any signs you probably wouldn’t know exactly if you were in Hawaii, Tahiti, Taiwan, Jamaica, Costa Rica Guam or any other green island with waterfalls and a volcano…at least until you saw the people and heard them speak
          Back to the cruise…If you have never been on one you should go before you are too old or dead…Many on the ships look like they were in God’s waiting room. The cost per-day is down to about the same as a decent hotel except all of your meals are free and you don’t have to pack and unpack your bags each place you visit.
          You probably shouldn’t eat or drink on shore anyway. That’s the good news. The bad news is they charge you for EVERYTHING…if they could find a way to charge you for the air you breathe they’d do it. You want bottled water you pay for it. You want soft drinks you have to pay for them (we were smart enough to pay the outrageous price of $48 each for an unlimited soft drink tickets. Otherwise they were two bucks a pop, no pun intended). The first time cruisers were really surprised at the end of their trip when they got their liquor bills for hundreds or even thousands of dollars. There no prices anywhere…you just sign and enjoy yourself…until the bill comes. They even add a sneaky $150 per-person for “gratuities” for the working crew members which you can ask to have removed if you do it right up front. We do and then we tip those who give good service and those who we liked. But all the food of every kind is available almost all of the time with unlimited variety and amounts. We learned to be frugal in what and how much we ate and actually came home a few pounds lighter…Some of the smaller whales that came on board left a lot larger.
          Which brings me to the next subject…Zombies…at least that’s what I call them?  They shuffle along oblivious to almost everything. They are on the cruise 10 years later than they should be. The vast majority are overweight seniors with more money than sense, most of which look remarkably alike…like they could be related. Then you have ma and pa kettle from the Midwest in his jeans and long sleeve shirt in 85 degrees weather with 85 per cent humidity and the European studs with their comb over balding heads, little teeny swimming suits and pot bellies that make them look like pregnant guppies. The old lady blue hairs are out in force too as are the “English speaking crew members” that only their fellow crew members can understand.
          This ship had about 2,200 passengers and about 950 crew members and it is a miracle of modern times to see this throng get off and on the ship,  to and from each excursion along with other ships and people that may also be docked at the same port. Each county we visited had its own charm. Two had unemployment of like 80 per cent and an illiteracy rate to match. Most had an active volcano or two and all were green and pretty.
           So here’s what we did. We flew to Mexico City from San Francisco and then on to Acapulco to the beautiful resort area and a nice five star hotel. The next day we took a tour through the rest of the area where unemployment runs about 75 per cent and all homes that can afford it have bars on the windows.
Then we got on the ship and headed to Huatulco, Mexico where we couldn’t land because of “rough seas.” From there (the whole trip was over 3,000 nautical miles) we sailed to Guatemala where Linda made friends with the local law enforcement. A poor country coming off a long revolution where everything worth anything has armed guards. (See photo to left)
Then it was on to Nicaragua where we couldn’t dock either because of another storm. Sure glad to be at the back of the boat…we always liked to rock and roll anyway. Then it was another over night sail to Costa Rica where the education and employment probably is better than here with about a 95 per cent literacy rate. Beautiful country, nice English speaking people. It’s a country with a lot of American’s living there. Guides called Sam’s Club the “American Embassy.”
From Costa Rica we sailed to and through the Panama Canal to Cristobal, Panama. The 50 mile trip through the canal took about eight hours and cost each passenger about $120. America spent over 600 million to help get it built and then some peanut farmer gave it away without any payment or percentage of the millions of dollars taken in each day. There were over 40 ships going through the day we were there. The cruise ships paid between 45 and $60,000 each for the passage. Noriega pocketed a fortune and the country’s people are still dirt poor. The canal by today’s standards is just barely wide enough to accommodate big cruise ships…You can see Linda (photo at the left) about touching the edge as the ship goes through. The canal itself is an amazing piece of work started in the late 1800’s and finished in the early 1900’s only through the will of President Teddy Roosevelt. It is amazing that more than 30,000 people died making it, France started it and quit and then the Americans bought it for like 20 million or so and sunk another 580 million in to complete it to cut days off the trip from one ocean to the other. Why did we give it away? The true reason will probably never be known, but all that is known is we, the taxpayers really got the raw end of the deal…again. The photo at the right is of Linda and me with a copy of the IV going through a lock in the canal.
From Panama we were at sea for a day and then glided into Ocho Rios, Jamaica, Linda’s favorite place just because of the way they talk…mon. The sign to the left kind of says it all. They warned us not to drink too much on shore, “Because they pour a lot heavier than you’re used to and you may not be able to find your way back to the ship,” only a couple of hundred yards away.    From Jamaica (where we climbed the falls and took the little boat through 10 foot swells) we sailed a day to Fort Lauderdale, Florida and then flew home…we went from the tropical 90’s to the rainy 50’s in a short period of time. The flight into San Diego was in the middle of that bad storm and we got bounced hard for over 20 minutes…you know airplane hard, where you can hear the wings creek and groan. I’ve been bucked off horses smother than that plane ride. It was only because of our rough sea ride that it really didn’t bother us…much! We were really glad to be back in pretty much one piece with only a few bumps and bruises.

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This is a reprint of a weekly column written for the Independent Vopice Newspaper in Dixon, Ca.

 “I never drink water because of the

disgusting things that fish do in it.” – W. C. Fields!”

   Who’s The Dummy?

           Like I started to explain last week we just got home form a two week cruise to and through the Panama Canal (See related story) from Acapulco, Mexico to Fort Lauderdale Fl. Among the interesting things that happened was a once in a life time event that I blew. Those of you who know me know I don’t go anywhere without at least one camera, usually two. We had seen several stage shows on the ship where they didn’t allow photographs so on the final night of shows, like a dummy, I left my cameras in the room. We sat in the third row back because my roommate, shy Linda, didn’t want to be in front where she could be picked on or chosen for anything. We should have known something was up when everyone else sat behind us and comedian/ventriloquist Dan Horn took the stage…you guess it. He started in on Linda with a semi-dirty old man dummy trying to talk Linda into meeting him after the shows after she “dumped the old man sitting with her.” When to everyone’s surprise, including Linda’s, she said “yes” that really iced it. Even after he put the dummy away in a trunk the dummy would still ask in a muffled voice, “Is Linda still there? Is she still going to meet me?”…  
           And that was the least funny part. After about 15 minutes of  off and on banter involving Linda he actually came and got Linda and took her up on the stage where she was the star of the show for at least 20 more minutes. He used her as his dummy with various voices by touching her back and having her move her mouth and move her head around. I, like most of the audience, missed a lot of what was being said because we were laughing so hard we were crying. He then had her put on a mask with big duck like lips and a pair of hand cuffs with sticks attached and manipulated both the lips and her hands…She put Dixon on the international map.
           You guessed it right again. They usually tape a lot of these performances but didn’t do this one. Dan even asked the audience if anyone got any pictures or video, and like me, everyone left their cameras behind. He gave Linda a bottle of good Champaign and waited after the show for me to run up two decks and down about 200 yards and back to get my camera and at least get the picture above…If you ever get a chance to see this guy make sure you do.
          Missing this video opportunity will forever remain one of the biggest regrets of my life. Linda of course missed the show but she was so cool, and such a good sport in front of the packed house that people asked her afterwards if she was actually part of the show…She, old quiet shy Linda…a stage star….go figure. Should have never gotten her that tattoo…

   Speaking Of Being Crabby

           John Kett, head of the Dixon Game and Conservation Club, said they still have a few tickets left for that group’s annual crab and prawn feed set for February 6th at 7 p.m. in Madden Hall at the Dixon May Fairgrounds. It is usually a sell out and if you haven’t been to this one you should get down to Dixon Power Equipment on N. First Street and buy some of the remaining tickets off of John Hughes. You can call him at 678-6786 to make sure he still has some and how to find him if you get lost.
           The Dixon Chamber of Commerce is holding its annual Citizen of the Year Dinner this Saturday night and I’m impressed with the fact the group listened to me about having a community calendar to avoid duplicate events on the same day. The Chamber’s dinner and St. Peter’s Church annual crab feed (tickets are $40) are both set for the same night (there’s 364 other nights of the year for crab’s sake)…so if you want crabs go to the church if you want to be with some crabby people go to the chamber dinner and listen to those who didn’t win the award grouse. I don’t suppose I’ll be the recipient again this year…after all of the nice things I’ve had to say about the chamber. Bud’s Pub and Fine Dining is catering the tri-tip/chicken chamber do and its $30 for the dinner/dance.

   New Chicken Joint

           As many of you regular readers know we do restaurant reviews every now and then and a new place just opened in Vacaville that is worth a look. Every since KFC closed its doors in Dixon we were left with only Popeye’s deep fried stuff. A few weeks ago El Pollo Loco (crazy chicken?) opened in Vacaville at the base of hamburger hill, oddly enough right across the street from Taco Bell and Giant Hamburger. A little difficult to get to but it’s worth the few turns. Their grilled chicken has a unique flavor and their skinless breast meal for instance has only275 calories and 110 whatevers of cholesterol. They offer 11 sides from tortilla soup to BBQ black beans. The prices are about like KFC but their “citrus-marinated, flame grilled chicken is “deliciously different.” At least we agreed with them when we tried it. So if you’re in Vacaville anyway and want a quick, good, and different meal give them a try. They have a drive through too so you can bring some stuff home.

   New direction for any war:
   Send Service Vets over 60!

           (This came from my email bag…) I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military.  They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.  Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.  You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

          Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.  ‘My back hurts!  I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’.  We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a  while.
         An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get  up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the heck.  Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB….’If  captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.
          Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food.  We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
          They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.  I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
        Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too.  I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
         An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.  He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head..
         These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.  The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
          How about recruiting Women over 50…with PMS! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhh my Lord! If nothing else, put them on border patrol….we will have it secured the first night!

   The South – You Gotta Love It

          Oklahoma- A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a big eight-point buck. “Where’s Larry?” the others asked. “Larry had an illness of some kind.  He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter Lacy replied. “You left Larry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired. “A tough call,” nodded Lacy. “But I figured no one is going to steal Larry!”
           Louisiana- A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana. “When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.”
          Mississippi- The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!” Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?” The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
          North Carolina- A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I have a flat tire.” The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?” The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
          Tennessee- A Tennessee  State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The trooper asked, “Got any ID? “The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
          Texas- The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head?” “Yep,” he replied.  “That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’
          You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.   #

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“Follow your dreams…except the one where you fly.

That one never ends well!”

 

 

Let me see if I understand all this…

          I was sitting in the duck blind yesterday just thinking about stuff like this:

If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.
If you cross the Iranian border illegally, you are detained indefinitely.
If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.
If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you will be jailed.
If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you may never be heard from again.
If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally, you will be branded a spy and
your fate will be sealed.
If you cross the Cuban border illegally, you will be thrown into political prison to rot.
If you cross the border into Mexico illegally you will be jailed.
If you cross the border into Canada illegally you will jailed and deported.

          HOWEVER: If you cross the U.S. Border illegally, no matter where you come from, you can get: A job–A driver’s license– A social security card–Welfare— Food stamps– Credit cards– Subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house– Free education– Free health care—free dental care—free cheese—a host of social services–A lobbyist in Washington looking out for “your rights”–And in many instances you can vote… May peace be a full part of your life…

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?

          “Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter “A reader called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day. So what I misspelled Santa and said many kids flocked to see Satan…there are worse mistakes…read on…
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says…No crap, really? Ya think? 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers …Now that’s taking things a bit far! 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over …What a guy!      
Miners Refuse to Work after Death….No good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s! 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant…See if that works better than a fair trial! 
War Dims Hope for Peace…I can see where it might have that effect! 
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile…Ya think?!  
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures…Who would have thought! 
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide…They may be on to something!  
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges…You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape? 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge…He probably IS the battery charge!   
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group…Weren’t they fat enough?!     
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft…That’s what he gets for eating those beans! 
 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks…Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half…Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors…Boy, are they tall! 
And the winner is….Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead…Did I read that right?

Like I said the French Suck

          The American Cemetery at Aisne-Marne, France.  A total of 2,289 of our military dead.
 The American Cemetery at Ardennes, Belgium.  A total of 5,329 of our dead.
The American Cemetery at Brittany, France.  A total of 4,410 of our military dead.  Excuse us.
 Brookwood, England American Cemetery.  A total of 468 of our dead.
Cambridge, England.. 3,812 of our military dead.
Epinal, France American Cemetery.  A total of 5,525 of our Military dead.. Flanders Field, Belgium.  A total of 368 of our military. Florence, Italy.  A total of 4,402 of our military dead. Henri-Chapelle, Belgium.  A total of 7,992 of our military dead. Luxembourg, Luxembourg.  A total of 5,076 of our military dead.Lorraine, France. A total of 10,489 of our military dead… Meuse-Argonne.  A total of 14,246 of our military dead…Netherlands…A total of 8,301 of our military dead…Normandy, France.  A total of 9,387 of our military dead…Oise-Aisne, France.  A total of 6,012 of our military dead…Rhone, France.  A total of 861 of our military dead…Sicily, Italy.  A total of 7,861 of our military dead…Somme, France.  A total of 1,844 of our military dead…St. Mihiel, France.  A total of 4,153 of our military dead…Suresnes, France.  A total of 1,541 of our military dead…Apologize to no one. If it wasn’t for the US the French would be speaking German…yet they offer no help to us when we ask for fighting terrorism and are rolling over and letting the radicals take over their country.
 
          Remind those of our sacrifice and don’t confuse arrogance with leadership. If I added correctly the count is 104,366 dead.  And we have to watch an American elected leader who apologizes to Europe and the Middle East that our country is “arrogant!” How many French, Dutch, Italians, Belgians and Brits are buried on our soil, defending us against our enemies? We don’t ask for praise… but we have absolutely no need to apologize!

         Once again, the real news in France is conveniently not being reported as it should. To give you an idea of what’s   going on in that   country where there are now between 5 and 6 million Muslims and about 600,000 Jews (where violent anti-Semitism on men, women and children, like the beginning of the Hitler era, is running amuck and the authorities and press are doing nothing about it) here is an E-mail that came from a Jew living in France ..”So I call on you, whether you are a   friend, or merely a   person with the capacity and desire to distinguish decency from depravity, to do – at least – these three simple things:
 
         First, care enough to stay informed. Don’t ever let   yourself become deluded into thinking that this is not your fight. I remind you of what Pastor Neimoller said in World War II: ‘First they came for the   Communists, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t   a Communist… Then   they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up, because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me.’
   Second, boycott France and French products. Only the Arab countries are more toxically anti-Semitic and, unlike them, France exports more than just oil and hatred. So boycott their wines and their perfumes. Boycott their clothes and their foodstuffs. Boycott their movies.
   Definitely boycott their shores. If we are resolved we can exert amazing pressure and, whatever else we may know about the French, we most certainly know that they are like a cobweb in a hurricane in the   face of well-directed pressure. The number one bestselling book in France is….’September 11: The   Frightening Fraud’ which argues that no plane ever hit the Pentagon! Here’s who agrees with me:

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”
–Mark Twain
“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.”
– General George S. Patton
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”
– General Norman Schwartzkopf
“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.”– Marge Simpson
“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.” Jacques Chirac, President of France
“…..As far as France is concerned, he is right!!” –Rush Limbaugh
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”  Regis Philbin
“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” John McCain U.S. Senator from Arizona
“The last time the French asked for more proof’, it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”– David Letterman
“Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada” –Ted Nugent
“War without France would be like… World War II.”–Unknown
“The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says ‘First Iraq, then France.’”– Tom Brokaw
“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?”–Dennis Miller
“It is important to remember the French have always been there when they needed us.”
– Alan Kent
“They’ve taken their own precautions against al-Qa’ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.”–Argus Hamilton
“Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle being advertised on eBay the other day –the description was, ‘Never shot. Dropped once.’” — Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
“The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq
–Dennis Miller
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000 m’sieur?
“Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It’s not known, it’s never been tried.” –Rep. R. Blount, MO
“Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that’s because it was raining.”–John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

          The AP and UPI reported the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

          French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris March 5, 2003 The French Government announced today it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
 
         (Ted: The day is not far off that all Americans, white, black, Hispanic, South Americans and Canadians will have to join together to stop the Muslim threat that has a master plan to take over the world and kill all non-believers (that’s all of us). The question is will they wake up and unite in time? Do a little research and you will see the world wide Muslim numbers are increasing exponentially and that they just recently passed the Catholic Church. All of the 2012 end of the world projections are daily seemingly more possible with nukes in the wrong hands and the Muslim master plan taking shape. We have canceled our plans to visit there…you should too.)                              #

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“And so, as one smart bear once said….’If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.’ – Winnie the Pooh.!”

 

 

“3900 Saturdays” Please Read It All

           (This was sent by a loyal reader yesterday…it’s aimed at those over 50 but anyone with a brain can learn from it. Sitting in the duck blind yesterday I thought about it quite a bit There are some who think I’ve lost all of my marbles.) The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

         A few weeks ago what began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business.  He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about ‘a thousand marbles.’ I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say….

     ‘Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much.  Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work 60 or 70 hours a week to make ends meet.  It’s too bad you missed your daughter’s ‘dance recital’ he continued. ‘Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.’ And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a ‘thousand marbles.’

          ‘You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic.  The average person lives about   75 years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.
‘Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting to the important part. It took me until I was 55 years old to think about all this in any detail’, he went on, ‘and by that time I had lived through over 2800 Saturdays.’ ‘I got to thinking that if I lived to be 75, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had.  I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.’

          ‘Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There’s nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight .’ ‘Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.’

          ‘It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band.  This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!’ You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.
          Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. ‘C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.’ ‘What brought this on?’ she asked with a smile. ‘Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles. And so, as one smart bear once said….‘If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.’ – Winnie the Pooh.

Oh No, Not My Dog!

          (I received this from no fewer than seven people in the past few days.) I’m sure that you all know how much my dog means to me.  In fact, not only the dog I currently share my home and life with, but all the dogs I’ve lived with over the years have been my greatest buddies.  Many of you, I know, share this type of loving bond, or have in the past, with a canine friend. but really….think about it!
          My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.  She has her food prepared for her.  She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365.  Her meals are provided at no cost to her.  She visits the Dr. at least once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. She not only expects this to be done but demands it. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy shit, my dog is a democrat!

Old Man Named Bob

          An older local man named Bob walked into Thornton’s Jewelry store the Friday evening, just before Christmas with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special. ‘At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it. ‘The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ Bob said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. ‘There’s no money in that account.’ ‘I know,’  Bob said, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’

True Story From The
 Houston Herald Newspaper”
In Houston, Texas March 5th, 2009

 

 

           Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man six times in the back as he was running away With Her Purse. The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions. The woman replied, “I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe…. I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol that was in my purse that was hung over my left shoulder.

          All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. the next thing I remember is saying out loud, “no way punk! Your not stealing my pay check and tips.” I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol six times! When asked by the arraignment judge, “why did you shoot the man six times? The woman replied under oath, “Because, when I pulled the trigger the seventh time, it only went click.” the woman was acquitted of all charges…and she was back at work at the cafe, the next day! 

Two Faced, Don’t Fall For It

Read this and then re-copy it to your own status to get the word out: If you get a notification that says a friend reported you to Facebook for being offensive or in violation of terms of service, do not click it. It’s a virus. Please put this on your own site (or send it to them) for your friends! Apparently they are using all kinds of applications.

Why Men Are Never Depressed:

 
          Men Are Just Happier People — What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

         You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental – $100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

         You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.                          #

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“If you brighten the path for others light will shine upon you!”

Dixon Makes The News

           Doesn’t it make you proud when we get nation wide publicity for our little city allowing a puppy mill to be established in our downtown business area and its owners arrested and charged with various crimes?
          The local police department wasn’t even informed when our, if nothing but our consistent district attorney Paulson, pulled a publicity stunt.           (He and his assistant were just convicted, in federal court, no less, of violating the rights of an individual. Their total fines and costs of 10’s of thousands of dollars were ordered paid, with taxpayer’s dollars, by our illustrious Solano County Board of stupid visors.) He arrived in town with his DA police squad and many area television stations to make this “huge bust”. He, of course didn’t know how all of the TV stations found out about it when the local jurisdictions hadn’t even been informed. With drugs, gangs and crime running rampant Paulson makes a big show out of saving puppies…a worthy cause no doubt, but it seems in the total picture of things, rather minor by comparison don’t you think? But it made good PR for him as the “tough on puppy crime” guy in California. Forget about robberies, rape, child molesters, drunk drivers, gangs, drugs and murder…our DA is serving the public the best way he knows how…this is the same guy who won’t allow our grand jury to sit as a criminal grand jury and instead has them only as a civil arm of the courts…This way he can decide who he will cut a break to “in the interest of justice” and who he won’t.
 

          On the other side of the coin we have our neighbor in Winters which was recently honored with the Sacramento Area Council of Governments (SACOG) 2009 Blueprint Excellence award for its planning and downtown master plan and renovating the whole downtown area.
           On the other side of that coin we have a Dixon Planning Commission that has allowed an illegal puppy mill to open in the downtown area, Home Depot (and Burger City) not develop here for political reasons, reject a sign for a local businessman that may have kept him from folding up shop like the downtown area’s Embroidery Shop, The Ice Cream shop downtown, Rafael’s, the Italian Restaurant,  the Chinese restraint, Dawson’s selling again, the Korean Restaurant, the Gunsmith shop the Skateboard/bike shop, etc. I’m going to nominate the City of Dixon and the planning commission for the SACOG’s annual “How to Kill Local Business and Ruin your Downtown area even more award”…not a highly coveted award, granted, but there won’t be much competition for it either. Could brilliant planning or far sighted people have prevented any of this? Probably not, but with our current group of hind sited folks we’ll never know will we?

Local Tiger Woods Scandal &
Interesting Facts About Sex:

                                          
             My first wife Linda just admitted that she too had an affair with Tiger Woods when he played in the Rams Invitational Tourney last year. She doesn’t want anyone to know about it so keep it quiet until we receive our share of the hush money. I guess they checked in at a local motel as mother and son. She said it wasn’t that great…”He seemed a little stiff , his putter seemed to be failing him and he seemed somewhat distracted.” I should never have gotten her that tattoo. Now I guess we’ll have to deal with the supermarket tabloids rush to Dixon.
         Global Facts: At any given moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex – right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: One person is reading this instead. You hang in there, Sunshine.

Linda Strikes Again!

        My last wife Linda and I were sitting around the breakfast table last Sunday morning. I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” She asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don’t want some asshole using my stuff…” She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Difference Between North
And South In the USA

 
The difference between the North and the South – at last, clearly explained… 

The North has Bloomingdale’s; the South has Dollar General…
 The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses…
 The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.
 The North has switchblade knives; the South has…45’s
 The North has double last names; the South has double first names…
 The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races…
 North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits…
 The North has green salads; the South has collard greens…
 The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish…
 The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
 FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH…In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.    Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store… Do not buy food at this store.
  Remember, ‘Y’all’ is singular, ‘all y’all’ is plural, and ‘all y’all’s’ is plural possessive. Get used to hearing ‘You ain’t from round here, are ya?’ Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ‘big’ol,’ truck or ‘big’ol’ boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that ‘He needed killin..’ is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, ‘Hey, y’all watch this,’ you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
  Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners.  After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ‘em biscuits. Send this to four people that ain’t related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song ‘fore you know it. Your kin would get a kick out of it too!

 
Want Some Horses?

          I forgot to mention that my old buddy, Larry Lockwood in Oklahoma has 10 appaloosa horses he will give to anyone who wants them. He kind of came by them as favors and what not, you know how that goes, and the couple has now multiplied to 10. They range in age from two to 10 years in age, are in great shape and none of them are broke that he knows of. They ad nothing to his cattle-hay growing ranch and “just take more work.” You want to drive over to Oklahoma with a horse trailer they’re yours. You can start your own Appaloosa horse ranch or open up a dog food business, he doesn’t care, and he “Just doesn’t have time to mess with them anymore.”

 BREAKING NEWS!

 The President responding to some of my Democratic jokes…   

I wish you people would stop sending my columns to the White House.

 The Year 1909

          This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!  The year is 1909.  One hundred years ago. 
          What a difference a century makes!  Here are some statistics for the Year 1909: The average life expectancy was 47 years, fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only, and only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub. Only eight percent of the homes had a telephone. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower! The average wage in 1909 was 22 cents per hour. The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year… A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME. Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as ’substandard. ‘ Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza  2. Tuberculosis  3. Diarrhea  4. Heart disease  5. Stroke
          The American flag had 45 stars… The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet. There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school… Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, ‘Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health’ (Shocking? DUH! ) Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.A.! 
Plus one more sad thought; 95 percent of the taxes we have now did not exist in 1909 I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself. From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD – all in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years, if life as we know it still here…it staggers the mind. 

          To save the economy in 2010, the Obama government will start deporting all of the weird old people in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs… I started crying – when I thought of you. Run, you old fart, run! Well….what can I say….someone sent it to me, and I’m not going alone!

 

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